Beloved

Life is hard to plan. Everything seemed to have been straightened out. Tony has been working at his new job for nearly a month. I had the whole Casteluzzo Academy schedule worked out for this term. But my body just can’t seem to kick the infection I’ve had for a month. It’s my tooth, which turned grey and got a root canal three weeks ago. In retrospect, I am not surprised that all the emotional stress over the past several months caused some corresponding physical stress. I guess I’m lucky I didn’t end up with some worse health problem.

But this infection is driving me crazy. Every weekend I find myself calling the dentist because my symptoms are kicking in again (not so strange considering the fact that his weekend starts at 3pm on Thursday). Generally, it’s just been exhaustion and a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve been through 2 1/2 rounds of antibiotics and a lot of days in bed, too tired to do anything.

Last night I woke up and my tooth was actually hurting. So now I get to visit the endodontist tomorrow to see if there’s a hidden root the previous canal missed, or if my tooth is cracked and in need of extraction.

In the meantime, my poor sweet family is being really wonderful. Axa and Raj play nicely together all morning long. Axa brings me things when I’m too tired to go downstairs. Tony comes home from work every night and milks the goats, makes dinner, and cleans the kitchen. And it doesn’t stop there. My parents came down the week after my root canal, and then Tony’s mom came the week after that. They cleaned house, battled the ants, and played with the Bobbles. I appreciated the help, but the emotional support was even more helpful.

So I find that while it may be more blessed to give than to receive, someone has to do the receiving, ideally with a good grace. And that thanks, not apologies, are the appropriate response when your husband tells you to stay in bed while he does all the laundry and cleans the house. It’s hard to not be able to do much for anyone, and to need so much from everyone. When I have a baby, I feel O.K. about everyone taking care of me, since I’m taking care of the baby. But there’s no baby in sight. It’s obviously all just for me, which was embarrassing at first, but now I see it is something beautiful. My mother-in-law must be on to this. She sent me an essential oil blend called Beloved. It “assists us in feeling the love that God and the Universe has for each of us; feeling loved can help us to heal our own emotional wounds and then, from our wholeness of heart, we can see clearly and respond generously and in just the right way to those around us.”

Beloved. It is nice to think of myself as being beloved. A month-long tooth infection isn’t fun, but if that’s God’s way of showing me that I am beloved, I guess I can appreciate it for the gift it is.