You know I stalk you, don’t you? Writers love readers. To the point of distraction. Because without a reader, does a writer even really exist? I mean, if I talk to myself in the forest and none of the trees are listening, do I even make a sound . . . ?

So yes, I stalk you. And what makes it even more tantalizing is that I can’t stalk you quite directly. It’s true, unfortunately. I can’t peer through my webcam into yours to see your face as you read my blog. But there are other things I want to see almost as much as that. I want to know what made you come, and which posts you enjoyed, and how long you clicked around, reading the stuff that came out of my head. But more than anything, I want to know where you came from. When I get in stalker mode and open up my google analytics, it’s that map that just fascinates me.

Maybe it’s because I want to visit you back. I’ve never been to Singapore, Slovenia, or Sudan, and I wonder what you’d tell me about your life if I could ask. Maybe it’s because I want to know how you know me. If you’re in California are you my Sunday School teacher from when I was thirteen? Or my favorite librarian? Or my mother, checking up on me? If you’re in Utah, are you my old roommate, or my first kiss? Have I never met you? Are you a friend of a friend? Did you just stumble across Casteluzzo one day by accident, and then stay?

Sometimes I think it’s because I miss the places I’ve already been, where you’re living now. And when I see you coming from far away, it makes me remember how it felt to be there. Is it still raining in Washington and Ireland? If you’re in San Diego, are you reading this on your smartphone at the beach? Will you eat some gazpacho for me in Spain, and some bicol express in the Philippines? And if you’re in Italy somewhere, can we get together sometime over pizza or gelato?

I guess maybe the biggest reason is that it’s just plain lonely sometimes to be an expat. And when I look at that map, and all the people who read my journal, it makes me feel a little less far away from . . . everywhere. And everyone. More than anything, I blog for the human connection. And when it feels like I’m blogging into the empty space of nowhere, I pull up my google analytics and look at you again. Somehow, it makes me feel like you’re right there, listening.

5 thoughts on “Confessions

  • October 19, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    Well, I'm your mom, but I'm not really "checking up" on you. I just love and adore your family and it makes me feel closer to you when I read what you're doing and thinking. Plus, you're a very gifted writer, so it's always an enjoyable read.

  • October 19, 2010 at 1:24 pm


    I found your blog through a post you did on Chocolate on My Cranium. I am also a homeschool mom and am a "wanna be" expat. Three of my children are Chinese (adopted) and so we have recently started spending a more significant amount of time in China. This past year we aimed for three months and ended up staying 10 weeks. It wasn't perfect, but it was a great learning experience and a great foundation for things to come!

    I love learning about Italy and it is definitely on my list now! You are also making me fat…because I always eat after I read your posts! You make me hungry! ;o)


  • October 19, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    I come because Italy sounds like a cool place and what better way to hear about how things are over there than from someone who lives there! You and your lil family do the funnest things. I enjoy following you guys – sorry I dont always comment!

  • October 19, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Have you been to Colorado Sarah? Come here and enjoy the beautiful rocky mountains that are, for all intents and purposes, in my backyard. I read because I love you, and love to know what's going on in your life. Plus, you have a very poetic writing style and it makes me feel flowery. That's a good thing, I'm just not poetic. 😉

  • October 19, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Hey Sarah, I read your blog because you are fascinating. And I try to see how you do so much! I live in Naples, but you know that, and yes, we should get together for Pizza or Gelato, or both! 🙂 Keep up the great writing!!

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