Mother’s Day

It’s a beautiful morning, but my poor little baby is sick. He had a fever in the night, and was throwing up this morning. He’s so sweet, though. He smiles and wants to snuggle, even right after he throws up.

It has been four years since I became a mother. I date it from the time I first got pregnant, because that’s when I began to feel like one. I think about being pregnant sometimes. My baby will be a year next month. Not old enough for most people to think about having another, although some people already have another by now. I’m not ready for another yet, or even to be pregnant again. Raj doesn’t even walk yet. And he still mostly breastfeeds. He’s still a baby, although he’s getting big.

It’s fun to watch the two of them interacting. Axa has figured out how to make him laugh and how to play with him. He adores her, even when she teases. He follows her around the house, and thinks everything she does is wonderful. I can see why it’s so important to do a good job with the first child, since the ones who follow look on the older sibling as the authority. I can’t take any credit for what a delightful little girl Axa is, but I’m glad she is. She tries so hard to do everything right. Sometimes she gets quite stressed out. She likes to be grown up in every way. Almost every way. She still wouldn’t think of missing “squishy time.” But I think she doesn’t look on that as something that makes her not grown up.

I enjoy having a family. I love to be a mommy, especially right now when they’re so little. There’s nothing quite like being unconditionally adored. Just being with me makes Raji happy, not because of anything I do, just because I am his mommy. He’s such a sweet little person. I look forward to watching him grow up and getting to know him better. Axa too, but she already seems so grown up in so many ways.

At odd moments, though, I think about being pregnant. It’s like being in another world. It causes one’s priorities to shift, and one’s whole outlook on life to become intensely focused inward. But inward in an interesting way, since there’s someone else inside. That’s why I love Raji’s birth song

I’d love to have twins this time. I thought Raji was twins, so I’ve read every book on twins at two different libraries. They don’t run in the family, though, really. I’d just like to have them. . . .